SOL'S SCREENERS #5
SOL'S SCREENERS #5
By Solomon G
(Been a while since ol' Sol has popped in to amuse and amaze with his capsule grindhouse reviews, but here he is at last to quench your thirst for sleaze and obscurity!--Dr. M)
“BITS AND PIECES”
1985
1h 25m
Director: Leland Thomas
Writers: Michael KobyLeland Thomas
Stars: S.E. Zygmont, Suzanna Smith, Brian Burt
Looks Like Another One O' Those Long, Hard Ones!
If you get the reference in the subject line for this review, you may actually enjoy this feature - but then maybe not. In case you don't get the ref: it's a quasi-comedic throwaway line from the original splatter flick, “Blood Feast”. The kind of thing you might say sitting at the bar during a horror convention at 11:30pm - and if you're doing that, you may actually enjoy this feature.
Or not, because while B&P does maintain the same superior quality filmmaking technique and serious thespian standards employed by early Lewis and Friedman, almost all of the gore from this film was cut by the original distributor. As such, while there's a lot of set-up for visceral gore, it all remains offscreen [though there is a blessed amount of gratuitous nudity].
All said, I am definitely among those who do actually enjoy this kind of thing: the all-for-on-one-for-all spirit of low-budget indie filmmaking. It's long, hard hours, sometimes no pay, occasionally crummy conditions, and so on - to even get something like this all the way through edit, and for it to come out the other end a fun movie to goof on with your friends, is basically miraculous.
“BLOOD BRIDE”
1980
1h 30m
Director: Robert J. Avrech
Writer: Robert J. Avrech
Stars: Ellen Barber, Philip English, Sam Gray
Catholic Guilt Goes Kink With Deadly Results
"Blood Bride" is quite a depressive little film, so just know that going in. Here we find a tragic love story, of parental pressure, leading to hasty decisions, which of course have adverse results. Along the way there is much psychological melodrama and filthy sexual delusion of the deadly kind. Gosh, I'm making this sound a bit more exciting than it is. Well, if you have a kinky nun-fetish, you may be a little excited, but "Killer Nun" this ain't. Much more along the lines of a single plotline nighttime soap opera with gothic overtones [the young bride, removed from familiar surroundings, finds herself in a deathly dangerous situation]. Oh, and there's heartbreak aplenty - featuring one of the unhappiest, most downbeat endings I've seen in a while. Seek it out if you're some kind of sicko, you sicko!
"THE CONVENT"
2000
1h 19m
Director: Mike Mendez
Writer: Chaton Anderson
Stars: Joanna Canton, Richard Trapp, Adrienne Barbeau, Dax Miller
Fun Low-Budget Ode To 80s Italian Horror Madness
Every so often one might run across an ambitious low-budget film that is so much fun it makes you wonder at what could have been without such budgetary limitations. "The Convent" is just such a film. That's not to say it isn't a fun little ride - because it is exactly that. All kinds of good practical effects and foam latex prosthetics. Plus, Adrienne Barbeau is a total bad ass in this, and looks better than she had in decades at Y2K. The whole film has a vibe that makes it seem like everyone onscreen is having a good time with their gig, and that's really hard to fake.
"The Convent" is basically popcorn fluff, and really anachronistic for being from the era of "The 6th Sense" and the "Scream" franchise, so this is gonna be a love it or hate it kind of Rorschach test of a film for most Wormwood Chronicles readers out there. Spongey latex demonic faces, practical effects, snappy camera moves, gore - and wisecracks galore; if all this wrapped in a gonzo sheen of, say, "The Church" or "Demons" sounds good to you, I do recommend you seek out "The Convent" sooner than later.
"FOOTPRINTS ON THE MOON"
Original title: "Le Orme"
1975
1h 30m
Directors: Luigi Bazzoni, Mario Fanelli
Writers: Mario Fanelli, Luigi Bazzoni
Stars: Florinda Bolkan, Peter McEnery, Nicoletta Elmi, Klaus Kinski
Florinda Bolkan Is Having A Terrible Week - Probably Longer
"Footprints On The Moon" [or just "Footprints"] takes its time letting you know one way or the next, and depending upon your tolerance for slow, evenhanded, suspenseful storytelling with a truly bizarre payoff or two, you may enjoy the journey. It was a little doze-y for me the first time around, so it took a couple of tries.
But anyway - I'll watch just about anything with Florinda Bolkan; a real beauty with real acting chops. Here her character experiences mental-health and substance abuse issues, and we get to ride along on her journey to figure out why. However, a more spicy synopsis might go something like: Strange beings from space seek to menace Florinda Bolkan - but are they real, or...?
Yep - there are dreamy hallucinations with folks in scary astronaut suits. On the beach. That's a very minor spoiler because most of the trailers and physical media cover-art for "Footprints" have this plot point on full display [though not the original theatrical posters]. The ending twist is clever, yet simultaneously preposterous.
"Footprints" prominently features creepy red-headed girl from zillions of Italian horror-suspensers, Nicoletta Elmi, and an all-too-brief sequence with the inimitable Klaus Kinski [who, honestly is quite somewhat imitable here]. That said, most if not all attention-span challenged action-thriller junkies and/or gorehounds aren't going to make it that far. At least not on the first crack.
Postscript - If you'd like to learn why "Footprints On The Moon" is not a giallo, check out my thoughts on IMDb dot com's reviews page for the film, titled, "This Is A Giallo How?":