SOL'S SCREENERS #3

"BLOODMOON"

1997

Rated 'R'

1h 42m

Director - Siu-Hung Leung


Writer - Keith W. Strandberg


Stars - Gary Daniels, Chuck Jeffreys, Frank Gorshin

Okay, first the good news: "Bloodmoon" has some very effective fight choreography, even Woo-Ping style Chinese wire stunts! Now the bad news: the rest of this film is a total howler, which isn't really bad news for bad-film fanatics such as yours truly.

Short synopsis: an evil villain [movie fight coordinator, Darren Shahlavi] is offing folks for poorly defined reasons, and it's up to unbelievably rogue cop, Gary Daniels [as Det. Ken O'Hara], and his partner - a very-thinly veiled attempt at Eddie Murphy style cop - to find and stop him. That's about it. Det. O'Hara is estranged from his wife and daughter for some poorly defined reason[s], and they end up in the kind of peril only their rescue could reunite the family. Some of the murders are unreasonably brutal: 'The Killer' uses a metal claw thing, and beats up women too. Oh, yeah, and there's some high-tech internet hoodoo that only 1997 could dream up.

But the REAL star attraction for this mostly forgettable feature is small-screen legend, Frank Gorshin, hamming it up for all he's worth as the hard-nosed Chief of police at the end of his darned rope!! He's had it up to 'here' with shenanigans, but exposes his heart of gold before the end of the picture; it's Oscar®™ time.

"Flesh & Bullets"

1985

Rated 'R'

1h 24m

Director - Carlos Tobalina

Writer - Carlos Tobalina

Stars - Glenn McKay, Gail Sterling, Mic Morrow, with brief cameos by [and top-billed!]: Yvonne De Carlo, Aldo Ray, Cesar Romero, & Cornel Wilde

For what it is, it's perfect! As anyone who has read my reviews probably already knows: I am not a 'cineaste'. I am not a 'connoisseur' of 'auteur cinema'. What I am is a tireless admirer of bottom-rung, ultra-low-budget, try-hard, so-bad-it's-good filmmaking. And, chances are, if you are reading this, you are as well. If not - boy are you barking up the wrong tree!

This film is a true howler - I literally howled! Truly, I appreciate all the effort it took to dig this out of whatever trash heap it came from, scan to digital, then package and market to freaks like me. It has just about every element you could want from a motion picture such as this - cameos from elderly Hollywood stars (whom I hope had a nice day of it, a decent hot lunch, car fare, and enough to pay their utilities that month in cash) - erstwhile porn actors making a go of it in the 'straight' world - fashions and hairstyles that look stuck in the 1970s, despite being shot in the mid-80s - sweaty plywood sets - tatty Mar Vista location shots - the Downtown L. A. Mayan Theater locations that are 'chef-kiss' sleazy - and pre-disfigurement Robert frikkin' Z'Dar in a minor-but-pivotal role!!!

Synopsis: It's a woefully inept and somehow 'romantic' take on Hitchcock's 'Strangers On A Train'. There's some convincingly creepy acting, in that skid-row filmmaking kind of way. Oh, and lot's of unconvincing location shots [including a 'Vegas casino exterior' that I could swear is basically any neighborhood library - why??

If any part of the previous appeals to you, I whole-heartedly recommend you seek this out for your collection; it was obviously made on a lark, for fun, and fun it is - nothing more.

P. S. This at least played the Mayan Theater (obviously), and I have it on good authority the print the DVD was struck from came from a bombed-out grindhouse in Boston's 'Combat Zone', so it actually played in at least two locations new - most likely to disappointed raincoat Popeyes hoping for hardcore-sex thrills. (Like the Good Doctor...Dr. M.)

 "Roller Blade"

1986

1h 28m

Director - Donald G. Jackson

Writers - Donald G. Jackson, Randall Frakes

Stars - Suzanne Solari, Jeff Hutchinson, Shaun Michelle

Okay, hear me out: in an extremely vague dystopian future that looks like guerilla-style stolen locations after various warehouse parties in Sun Valley and Santa Monica, CA, everybody wears Goodwill costumes and roller skates [but, ironically - no rollerblades]. Well, ladies are allowed to wear 80s bikinis and aerobics workout gear. Then some evil guy is gonna do evil - but it's up to the good guys to stop him! Who is he? Who are the good guys? Nobody cares! But there's a puppet, some bloody stuff, and some other unbelievable special effects. Oh, and an explosion at the end - as well as the promise of sequels [that sort-of actually happen]!

Believe it or not, writer/director, Donald G. Jackson, went on to make many other roller-skate-based filmic 'entertainment', such as: "Roller Blade Warriors: Taken by Force", "The Roller Blade Seven", "Legend of the Roller Blade Seven", "Return of the Roller Blade Seven", and [yes] - "Rollergator". He also directed the not-too-bad "Hell Comes to Frogtown", so go figure - but then *also* directed a bunch of other forgettable-but-not-forgiveable stuff like "Baby Ghost". In fact, "Frogtown" is such an outlier I would gather it was probably ghost-directed by someone like Fred Olen Ray or Jim Wynorski [but I do not claim to actually know anything about that; just guessing]. (I also wonder if writer Randall Frakes is any relation to Jonathan "Commander Riker" Frakes...Dr. M)

"Low Blow"

1986

Rated 'R'

1h 30m

Director - Frank Harris

Writer - Leo Fong

Stars - Leo Fong, Cameron Mitchell, Troy Donahue

Boxing champ, martial artist, Xtian minister Leo Fong cracks wise and punches baddies! He's a hard drinkin' private dick with a stack of unpaid bills and an incongruously hot secretary. Cameron Mitchell is the main baddie cult-leader [channeling Jim Jones pretty good!], but he takes a side-car to his lady henchman who delights in the suffering of their captive cult. Sounds a lot more fun than it is. Troy Donahue[!] is actually not *too* bad as a business tycoon who hires Fong to find his dumb cult-y daughter. Fong builds a posse of wise-cracking, tough-kickin' misfits - there's a montage!!

Filmed in some of the the shittier parts of San Francisco, and maybe Stockton or Modesto.