"Saivon Lapsi"

by Octopi Mills

Those damned Symphonic metal Finns...They come knocking at all hours on all fours with their clean, crystalline sound and their melodic, digital maestro symphonic sound, and can be homogenous to things that are not really Finnish in the natural sense or laws-with themes too exhausting to pen outright.

An old genius i have done much manual labor for told me of Finland: "All the woman were beautiful", it was "a clean place."

This is the only thing I can muster up to say at this time, and I am soon surrounded by sounds that have hot dog guitar licks that spin around like wild licorice, and am take hostage by keyboards that go to and fro as they please, like a amusement park ride with multi colored lights that have no correspondence to their own meanings, but serve to swirl by their own wills. I would like to whip them; these phantasms reflecting in the wells of my mind- to restrain them; these sounds and concepts.

There is an industry standard to the whole thing, and if we do not build our metaphoric houses as the industries so wish, they will take our kids away from us by way of  Human Services. This is certainly no stone cottage, nor a longhouse built by old tools or such, though if it were, it's craftmanship would be cunning. Sure, these Finns can play their instruments and follow patterns. All the millions of metal musician's who record on computers and have video game sounding music can; but just because you can, doesnt mean you should. And so it rolls on and on, and I twitch and fester with the fever of life, and I wish I was fishing or it was fall and I was hiking. I have a phantom hallucination of Michael Bolton at some point, and I know I am sick in my mind, though I ponder how much of it is Eternal Tears' doings.

 I realize instead of buying this album one could start a container garden or build a tree house that lodges a secret society to overthrow symphonic Finnish styles. I have more thoughts; wild and nonsensical, and feel  like I am a big doctor in a white frock coat, and this Finnish album is my patient and I have to be humane with them, and the best thing to do would be a heavy dose of medication; perhaps in this case a script for psychedelics or maybe something  like a good, earthy dogbane. In closing, I feel like a foreigner in a strange land with digital ice castles and stage magic. I will retire now. Do not buy this record. Try something more charitable if you feel like you owe someone something; visit a relative instead.