Want To Drop Those Extra Pounds Fast?
Gaze Into The Death Mask That Is
Kris Cohn!
By Mort Poisson
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Goddamn it I was hungry....until...
Dear readers, there is nothing that will put your humble servant off
his feed faster than settling in for a relaxing night of TV and frois gras
on crostini, and being met with the smug visage of a hack politician.
Yes, there it was: that mane of dead winter wheat pulled into a
not-quite-tidy Halloween shock; those tightly pursed lips that
doubtlessly have never parted for...um...anything but speechifying;
that paper white skin finally being introduced to cold, hard facts of
gravity. In other words, while flipping through the channels on the old
Daiwoo ($69.95 at Pinky's Pawn & Guns), Poisson was side swiped by the
image of that old land snatching gargoyle herself, Kris Cohn.
Her message was clear: "Fuck you! I'm going to work for Bush."
;)
Yes, she was holding a press conference (as if anyone gave a shit) to
announce that she was relinquishing her gig as Winnegabo County Board
Chairman to accept a job working for that ambulating malignancy in the
White House. In essence, Cohn will be a P.R. shill for Bush's education
policies. As with everything in this administration, the m.o. is 'When
we fuck something up, don't fix it. Fire up the Public Relations
machine!" Ah,yes...Kris Cohn and George W. Bush (the "W" of course
standing for 'What? No Armageddon yet?')...can you imagine the
horned-and-hoofed lovechild that would spring from that unholy tryst?
(Perhaps...Mality himself?--Evil One)
Now, loyal readers, you may be asking "Poisson...what in the jumpin'
Jesus does this have to do with food?" In short: I need to make some
quick bucks! Yes, alimony time has reared its ugly head again, not to
mention the new brake calipers I had to put on the untrusty old Opel
Kadette. The fact that yours truly has been not quite flush for months
(with no life line from the Wormwood Chronicles in sight nor will any
be forthcoming after that crack--Doc) was finally beginning to take its
toll on me. While pondering a way out of my own mounting deficit, I
coughed up one absolutely brilliant hairball of a solution: A DIET
BOOK!
Yes, dear reader, that is my path to financial stability! What with the
late Dr. Atkins clogging arteries all over America, and with the "South
Beach Diet" raking in the loot while at the same time kicking the shit
out of the orange juice industry (a long delayed retribution for their
Anita Bryant crimes against humanity?), why can't a Poisson penned
bastardization of medical science hit the jackpot? I was off to my
local mega-book-hangar to bone up on the genre.
While scanning shelf after shelf of diet tomes (written mostly by
people with credentials vaguely on par with my own, no doubt), it became clear
that this was one crowded field, and that penning a successful book may
prove a daunting task. Here are a few that caught my eye:
"Eat Capers!" by Dr. Hume Villaronga - Here's an odd one that harkens
back to the days of the infamous grapefruit diet. Villaronga offers up
a regimen that has the dieter eating 12 servings of that odd little
condiment, the caper, each day. Impossible you say? Well, Dr.
Villaronga goes far in presenting a coherent, well reasoned, medically sound
theory. He even offers up many unique recipes, like "Capers In
Aspic,""Capers Madagascar Style,""Cream of Caper Soup" as well as
desserts, like "Capers and Raspberries in Puff Pastry" and "Capers
Jubilee." Now, for all of you worried about the ridiculously high
sodium content of capers, Villaronga reassures us that capers also contain a a
powerful, natural diuretic. All that salt will be flushing out of your
system like a torrent, but Villaronga also recommends that the dieter
carry an empty coffee can at all times. (Takes me back to my childhood
trips to the outdoor drive-in!--Mality)
"Drink Like A Sponge, Eat Like A Hog, Drink Some More, Quote Orwell,
Chain Smoke, Spend Your Wife's Fortune, Drink Some More, Argue With
Everyone" - by Cristopher Hitchens - Not so much a diet book, but a
lifetyle treatise. Hitchens, of course, is the cantankerous
self-described "contrarian" who pops up on political talk shows from
time to time. Hitchens also used to be a regular contributor to that
Left Wing journal The Nation, but post-9/11 Hitchens threw a snit fit
and struck out on his own. He now functions mainly as an apologist for
Bush's hamhanded foreign policy, and is given to calling anyone who
questions him a "moron." Hitchens is also a world class boozer, right
up there with Richard Burton and Peter O'Toole. He is also a bit of a
gourmand, given to stuffing his face with expensive luxurious food, no
doubt paid for by the money he married. Hitchens' wrath has been
directed at some pretty impressive figures over the years: Henry
Kissinger, Bill and Hillary Clinton, even Mother Teresa, whom accuses
of being a scam artist. So what, you may ask, does this have to do with
dieting? Well, for anyone aspiring to Hitchens' ever expanding girth,
can you think of a better way to do it? In fact, dear reader, this is
the diet that is closest to yours truly's partially blocked heart. Now,
if I could only figure out how to marry money.
"The San Fernando Valley Cocaine and Pussy Diet" by Rod Oblong - Now
here is a diet that has unequivocally been proven effective for over 30
years. Of course, this is the diet of choice for workers in the adult
film industry, but don't let that deter you from a diet that will
guarantee to strip off the pounds. Plus, this seems to be one of the
few diets out there grounded by solid medical science. Why, did you know
that the average male ejaculation contains only 5 calories and is
loaded with zinc?(Maybe Rock Hudson knew something we didn't?--Dr. Mality)
"Bulima: The Misunderstood Diet" by Missy Wheelhorse, PhD - Funny how
those old pendulums continue to swing, isn't it? Not only has Atkins
got us scarfing down bacon wrapped steaks like there's no tomorrow, this
diet book (subtitled "Yakking Your Way To A Happier, Healthier Life!")
takes a fresh look at the long vilified act of binging and purging.
Now, we all know that the bulimia craze never went away, it just skulked
underground in shame. But wherever there have been young girls with
access to soul damaging pop culture, there have been meals chucked up
en masse.
This book attempts to bring it all out in the open and celebrate
puking up your dinner as a medically safe and legitimate way to lose
weight. Make no mistake: this is a serious study. Such weighty issues
as finger-down-throat vs. oil of ipecac keep the book medically compelling
as well as fun.
"Shut Your Pie Hole!" - Dr. Wolfgang Heimet - Good advice, indeed!
Hmmm...some fine tomes, there. But where do I fit into this esteemed
company? Then the inspiration rushed in..."Let Kris Cohn Make You Lose
Weight!"
Picture it: a diet book made up of nothing but photographs of a vile
politician pitching bullshit at various public functions. But would the
public have the same gut clenched reaction to Cohn's image? Finally,
reality cuffed me across the face and I realized that, while in theory
this was a good idea, a more well known public figure would be
essential in driving the mass public away from their dinner. Someone so repugnant
and so well known that the results would be swift and unforgiving.
Viola! The Donald Rumsfeld diet is born!
Until next time, dear readers...don't choke!
Mort Poisson is the vituperative viceroy of victuals and venom!
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