Want To Drop Those Extra Pounds Fast?
Gaze Into The Death Mask That Is Kris Cohn!

By Mort Poisson

Goddamn it I was hungry....until...

Dear readers, there is nothing that will put your humble servant off his feed faster than settling in for a relaxing night of TV and frois gras on crostini, and being met with the smug visage of a hack politician. Yes, there it was: that mane of dead winter wheat pulled into a not-quite-tidy Halloween shock; those tightly pursed lips that doubtlessly have never parted for...um...anything but speechifying; that paper white skin finally being introduced to cold, hard facts of gravity. In other words, while flipping through the channels on the old Daiwoo ($69.95 at Pinky's Pawn & Guns), Poisson was side swiped by the image of that old land snatching gargoyle herself, Kris Cohn.

Her message was clear: "Fuck you! I'm going to work for Bush."

Yes, she was holding a press conference (as if anyone gave a shit) to announce that she was relinquishing her gig as Winnegabo County Board Chairman to accept a job working for that ambulating malignancy in the White House. In essence, Cohn will be a P.R. shill for Bush's education policies. As with everything in this administration, the m.o. is 'When we fuck something up, don't fix it. Fire up the Public Relations machine!" Ah,yes...Kris Cohn and George W. Bush (the "W" of course standing for 'What? No Armageddon yet?')...can you imagine the horned-and-hoofed lovechild that would spring from that unholy tryst? (Perhaps...Mality himself?--Evil One)

Now, loyal readers, you may be asking "Poisson...what in the jumpin' Jesus does this have to do with food?" In short: I need to make some quick bucks! Yes, alimony time has reared its ugly head again, not to mention the new brake calipers I had to put on the untrusty old Opel Kadette. The fact that yours truly has been not quite flush for months (with no life line from the Wormwood Chronicles in sight nor will any be forthcoming after that crack--Doc) was finally beginning to take its toll on me. While pondering a way out of my own mounting deficit, I coughed up one absolutely brilliant hairball of a solution: A DIET BOOK!

Yes, dear reader, that is my path to financial stability! What with the late Dr. Atkins clogging arteries all over America, and with the "South Beach Diet" raking in the loot while at the same time kicking the shit out of the orange juice industry (a long delayed retribution for their Anita Bryant crimes against humanity?), why can't a Poisson penned bastardization of medical science hit the jackpot? I was off to my local mega-book-hangar to bone up on the genre.

While scanning shelf after shelf of diet tomes (written mostly by people with credentials vaguely on par with my own, no doubt), it became clear that this was one crowded field, and that penning a successful book may prove a daunting task. Here are a few that caught my eye:

"Eat Capers!" by Dr. Hume Villaronga - Here's an odd one that harkens back to the days of the infamous grapefruit diet. Villaronga offers up a regimen that has the dieter eating 12 servings of that odd little condiment, the caper, each day. Impossible you say? Well, Dr. Villaronga goes far in presenting a coherent, well reasoned, medically sound theory. He even offers up many unique recipes, like "Capers In Aspic,""Capers Madagascar Style,""Cream of Caper Soup" as well as desserts, like "Capers and Raspberries in Puff Pastry" and "Capers Jubilee." Now, for all of you worried about the ridiculously high sodium content of capers, Villaronga reassures us that capers also contain a a powerful, natural diuretic. All that salt will be flushing out of your system like a torrent, but Villaronga also recommends that the dieter carry an empty coffee can at all times. (Takes me back to my childhood trips to the outdoor drive-in!--Mality)

"Drink Like A Sponge, Eat Like A Hog, Drink Some More, Quote Orwell, Chain Smoke, Spend Your Wife's Fortune, Drink Some More, Argue With Everyone" - by Cristopher Hitchens - Not so much a diet book, but a lifetyle treatise. Hitchens, of course, is the cantankerous self-described "contrarian" who pops up on political talk shows from time to time. Hitchens also used to be a regular contributor to that Left Wing journal The Nation, but post-9/11 Hitchens threw a snit fit and struck out on his own. He now functions mainly as an apologist for Bush's hamhanded foreign policy, and is given to calling anyone who questions him a "moron." Hitchens is also a world class boozer, right up there with Richard Burton and Peter O'Toole. He is also a bit of a gourmand, given to stuffing his face with expensive luxurious food, no doubt paid for by the money he married. Hitchens' wrath has been directed at some pretty impressive figures over the years: Henry Kissinger, Bill and Hillary Clinton, even Mother Teresa, whom accuses of being a scam artist. So what, you may ask, does this have to do with dieting? Well, for anyone aspiring to Hitchens' ever expanding girth, can you think of a better way to do it? In fact, dear reader, this is the diet that is closest to yours truly's partially blocked heart. Now, if I could only figure out how to marry money.

"The San Fernando Valley Cocaine and Pussy Diet" by Rod Oblong - Now here is a diet that has unequivocally been proven effective for over 30 years. Of course, this is the diet of choice for workers in the adult film industry, but don't let that deter you from a diet that will guarantee to strip off the pounds. Plus, this seems to be one of the few diets out there grounded by solid medical science. Why, did you know that the average male ejaculation contains only 5 calories and is loaded with zinc?(Maybe Rock Hudson knew something we didn't?--Dr. Mality)

"Bulima: The Misunderstood Diet" by Missy Wheelhorse, PhD - Funny how those old pendulums continue to swing, isn't it? Not only has Atkins got us scarfing down bacon wrapped steaks like there's no tomorrow, this diet book (subtitled "Yakking Your Way To A Happier, Healthier Life!") takes a fresh look at the long vilified act of binging and purging. Now, we all know that the bulimia craze never went away, it just skulked underground in shame. But wherever there have been young girls with access to soul damaging pop culture, there have been meals chucked up en masse.

This book attempts to bring it all out in the open and celebrate puking up your dinner as a medically safe and legitimate way to lose weight. Make no mistake: this is a serious study. Such weighty issues as finger-down-throat vs. oil of ipecac keep the book medically compelling as well as fun.

"Shut Your Pie Hole!" - Dr. Wolfgang Heimet - Good advice, indeed!

Hmmm...some fine tomes, there. But where do I fit into this esteemed company? Then the inspiration rushed in..."Let Kris Cohn Make You Lose Weight!"

Picture it: a diet book made up of nothing but photographs of a vile politician pitching bullshit at various public functions. But would the public have the same gut clenched reaction to Cohn's image? Finally, reality cuffed me across the face and I realized that, while in theory this was a good idea, a more well known public figure would be essential in driving the mass public away from their dinner. Someone so repugnant and so well known that the results would be swift and unforgiving.

Viola! The Donald Rumsfeld diet is born!

Until next time, dear readers...don't choke!

Mort Poisson is the vituperative viceroy of victuals and venom!