5 FORKS for
5 DORKS
by Dark Starr
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I watched with interest as Mr. Mort Poisson graced the virtual pages of
Wormwood Chronicles with his vitriolic tales of cuisine misadventures in
the Rockford area. In some ways I wished that I could write like that
but personally I had never really had a meal bad enough to want to vent
about in the Rockford area. Well, I have recently had the unfortunate
turn of events that has placed me in a mixed bag spot of having
experienced a restaurant worthy of throwing heaps of distasteful words
at. You have to understand that for me to be driven to such a spot the
venue has to have been one that truly angered and displeased me. Well,
Five Forks Market is just such an establishment.
My better half and I were out and about on Rockford’s East Side
recently and decided it was time to feed ourselves. So, we made the
decision on a great restaurant that shall remain unnamed here. But we
also figured that if we spotted a place we hadn’t been before we’d give
it a shot. Well, that’s how we found Five Forks Market. We made our way
in and I have to say the wine laden walls and tasteful atmosphere was
perhaps clichéd, but nice. That was one of the two things that I can
give kudos for.
Our waitress said that the place was unique – with only one other
establishment like it in the Rockford area. Well, I have to say that I
would love to know what this other place is because I’d really like to
avoid it like the plague. I can’t imagine a worse thing than being
compared to this joint.
Well, we ordered a bottle of wine and that was the other great thing
about our visit. The wine was an excellent one at the great bottle price
(for a restaurant) of fifteen bucks. That lead us to our dinner
choices. We looked at the menu and found that everything was fairly
pricey. Well, if we were going to do this, let’s do it. It sure seemed
like a nice restaurant. Besides the waitress said the portions were
good.
So, we started things off with a cheese platter. Billed as a selection
of cheeses and bread with figs and honey we got just that. The bread was
toasted. We got two pieces each of something like four different
cheeses. They weren’t bad, but really you could get cheese that’s just
as good for a lot less money under the name tag of “Kraft.” You have to
understand, I’m a big fan of cheese. I like most of it and can
definitely tell the difference between good cheese and great cheese.
This fell firmly in the “good” range – and I should add that this little
sampling (you did get a couple fresh fig pieces, some miniature grapes
and a few pistachios in the midst) cost over twelve dollars. Twelve
dollars for a couple pieces of toast, two pieces each of four or five
types of average cheese and some honey with a few small bits of fruit.
Come on, with the quality of that cheese they should have given you a
whole half pound helping to make up for that price! Little did I know
this would actually be the food highlight of the meal.
We ordered our main dinner items, too. I chose some skewers of grilled
chicken with pineapple and my lady ordered some crab encrusted mahi
mahi. Before she ordered she asked about the portion of the fish and was
shown (waitress holding up her hands in a shape) something that looked
like about the size of half a Long John Silvers fish plank. She was told
you got three of those. Man, I wish we’d gotten the Long John Silvers
instead.
Anyway, the food comes to the table. I get four skewers of the chicken
and pineapple. There are three pieces each of chicken on these skewers.
The pieces were small. I’d say that if you took all those pieces and put
them together you probably had about a fourth of a chicken breast.
Well, sometimes restaurants charge huge prices for small amounts of
food, but the food is sublime. I foolishly figured that would be the
case here. As to the portions on the mahi mahi – well, there were three
pieces as promised. The problem is, they were probably about the size
of two quarters each. Just a little nugget, and not anywhere near the
size the waitress said they’d be.
So, what about the quality of the food? Well, the chicken tasted about
like the same quality of food you could get down the street at Old
Country Buffet – not great, but at the price and quantity you get at a
buffet a good deal. For what we paid, though, two words, “rip off.” It
was average quality, miniature portion and through the roof pricing. The
thing was, even at that it was better than that damned fish. That was
pure crap. It tasted terrible. There was really no flavor at all to it.
If there was crab in the crust you couldn’t prove it by taste. There was
no flavor to the fish or the breading except the feeling that you were
eating a pile of block pepper. And both items came served over some
yellow cous cous. I have to admit to not being a fan of that stuff at
all, but usually it at least has some flavor. Well, you can’t say that
of this crap. Eating a bottle of Elmer’s Glue would have given you a
better taste experience.
So, the end result was we got a good bottle of wine at a good price. For
our whole meal, though, we spent sixty dollars and went home and
ordered pizza. These people should come to the table to take your order
armed with a gun because they are such big rip off artists. The waitress
said that they never advertise. Well, I wondered why, but I think I
have it figured out. They know damned well there are only a few people
in this area that are stupid enough to pay that kind of money for that
quality of food. They figure those people are already coming in and
paying their salaries. Why waste their money on advertising to bring
others in. Hey, if you are one of those morons – more power to you. I’d
be more than happy to heat up a quarter of a can each of Campbell’s Soup
and Van Camp’s Pork and Beans and serve them to you along with about a
third of the entrée from two TV dinners and charge you seventy bucks.
I’d make a huge profit and you’d get the same experience. Be sure to get
in touch with me. We can put this together. For the rest of you – if
you want good food and like value for your money avoid this place like
the plague. The food is average, you get tiny servings and the prices
are through the roof. I have to say that the pizza we ordered when we
got home cost us a fourth what that meal did, tasted 500 times better
and filled us up.
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