 SPOUTING
OFF: A PAIN IN THE PANERA
by Dark Starr
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Over the past few years I’ve noticed a direct correlation between the
status of being the “in, hip, artsy elite” and what used to be called
“yuppies” and a lack of taste, appreciation for good food and an
overabundance of money. One of the most common ways to demonstrate this
is to head over to your nearest chain/corporate “hip” food chain and
watch these idiots buy up the slop they are offering for large chunks of
cash.
I first noticed this a few years back when a friend took me to that big
coffee chain – you know the one whose name is like a character from
“Battlestar Galactica.” I have to explain that I’m a coffee fanatic.
I’ve often considered the benefits of inventing an alarm clock with an
IV drip that starts injecting coffee into your veins ten minutes before
the alarm sounds. So, after hearing everyone rave about this place, I
was anxious to try it. What a disappointment. The coffee was mediocre at
best and the prices were premium.
Over the years I’ve wound up back at that place quite a few times –
mainly because the drive through was on the way or friends were going
there. In the first place, if you’ve got to master a ten word name to
order something, you probably don’t want it. I need the coffee to make
my brain work properly and you expect me to be able to raffle of all
these Italian words in the right sequence just to get the coffee. Yeah,
right!
In the second place, McDonalds and Dunkin Donuts and just about any
greasy spoon in whatever town you are in has better coffee and it costs a
lot less. Let’s hope the Cylons get confused and take these things out.
What a rip off!
So, how, you might ask, have I concluded that this is some kind of
“yuppie” brain malfunction rather than just a one-show fluke? Well, I
recently went to another of these “cool places.” It’s the one with the
name that starts with a “P” and ends with “Bread.” Yeah, this is another
of those places for people whose sense of what’s good and tasty is low
and their cash supply is high.
First off, you get in line to order the food and see that the menu is
fairly limited – certain combinations of sandwiches without a lot of
options. I figured maybe you can customize but they don’t advertise it.
At the price they charge for a freaking sandwich they oughta deliver it
to your table (oh wait, they don’t even do that part – more on that in a
bit) and sing what ever song you request while they do so. Uh – huh –
don’t hold your breath.
So, we make our selections and order – or at least try. “Is the roast
beef rare?”
“Yes.”
“Can it be cooked a little more?”
“No, the sandwich is made up in advance and we can’t do anything with
it?”
“OK, on the turkey such and such panini can you get it without that
sauce.”
“No, those come in already cooked and we just serve them.”
You mean to tell me at McDonalds or Burger King I can order a hamburger
and have them add or subtract whatever from it, but at this gourmet
sandwich joint I’m stuck with a sandwich that was put together a week
ago, six states away? And I’m supposed to pay 3 or 4 times the price
that I’d pay for something made today a couple hundred feet from me?
What kind of logic is this? (I want you to put it between your
knees...Film Freak Mality)
In any event, we bit the bullet and put in our order – and ordered some
kind of fruit smoothie thing in the process. Now comes the exercise
regimen you get with your meal. You order your over priced slop at one
counter. Then you pick up the drinks at one place and your food comes
out at another. Should they come up at about the same time enjoy your
run around the damned restaurant.
So, how’s the food? It’s OK – for crap that’s been prepared and frozen
and then reheated. Isn’t there a name for that? Oh, yeah “TV Dinners.”
What a load of bull! I have to tell you, the things that catch on in
this country amaze me. Frankly, I’d be very surprised if someone in
Europe would go, “give me a non-fresh average sandwich and I’d like to
pay the GDP of some third world nation for it.” They’ve got more sense
than that. With places like this thriving I really question the sanity
of Americans.
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